respublica

Oh no. Dianne Isbell is now making hats

For a few years I wrote a Monday Etiquette post using Dianne Isbell's column in the Belleville News-Democrat.  During the months my mother was dying, I found I had no energy or time to spend on Dianne Isbell.  Since then I got out of the habit.  But now, oh, this is too good to resist.  It all started Saturday evening when the MAtH (man about the house) flipped the Lifestyle section of the Post-Dispatch at me and said, "Did you see this?"

MAtH:  It's a full page story on Dianne Isbell creating hats.

Me:  What?  Let me see that.

MAtH:  Oh, and, she seems to have hyphenated her name since you left her.  She's now Dianne Isbell-O'Brien.

Me:  Wow, you're right.  And she actually has an email address these days.  A new name and an email address and a business selling hats. 

MAtH:  Who buys these hats?  I never see many women wearing hats and if they are wearing hats they look just like the hats men wear.  Baseball caps or visors.

Me:  Worn backward. 

Me:  But there are the Red Hat Ladies, they must need hats. 

MAtH:  But aren't they mostly red hats? 

Me:  Yeah, a limited clientel there.

MAtH:  Dianne is selling her hats out of two different stores, one in Clayton...

Me:   Whaaat?

MAtH:  Yes.  How did we miss this? And the other in St. Charles.

Me:  The Clayton place is the Designing Block just west of Hanley on Clayton Road.

MAth:  You're not thinking of going there are you?

Me:  Um, no.

MAtH:  I can't even imagine it.

Me:  The reporter asked her how she comes up with her ideas and she said, "Sketches of hat and fascinator designs are literally "dancing in my head," so to speak."  She calls these hats, "captivating Dianne Creations."

MAtH:  Fascinator designs?  Is that a misprint?

Me:  I thought so, but it is used throughout the story so it must be Dianne-speak.

MAtH:  How in the world did she go from being an etiquette expert to making hats?

Me:  Well, she says, "It all started when I designed and made elaborate Victorian-type hats for my little girls to wear during my etiquette tea party classes. Everyone thought they were fantastic."

MAtH:  She held etiquette tea parties?  For kids?  And the kids had to wear hats?  What do huge hats have to do with knowing what side of the plate the fork is on?

Me:  I wonder if she is designing and selling purse hooks too.

MAtH:  Or hat racks.

Me:  Ha.  You know, all this has me wondering just what Dianne has been up to with her Etiquette column. 

MAtH:  No, please. 

Me:  The latest column on line is from last monday, the Belleville paper doesn't have today's up yet.  But it was on how to handle those wrapped pats of butter in restaurants.

MAtH:  Slippery topic.

Me:  So it seems.  Some woman wrote to ask if there was a solution to unwrapping the butter pats.  She's seen people stab at them with a knife and fork and just doesn't think that's proper.

MAtH:  Oh, the horror. 

Me:  Dianne said "No stabbing please." 

MAtH:  Of course.

Me:  Then she said On occasion, butter squares can be seen flying across the table or onto someone else's plate or on the floor. Embarrassment then tops the frustration.

MAtH:  Never.  I've never seen this.

Me:  Wait.  There's more.  If everyone else at the table has a butter pat and you are having difficulty opening yours, it is permissible to put the "difficult butter pat" on the edge of your bread and butter plate or dinner plate and then try another.

MAtH:  Haha.  I thought she was going to say you could take someone else's butter pat.  Hahahaha.

Me:  What do you think it would be like to go to dinner with Dianne?

MAtH:  As long as she was wearing one of those big hats and couldn't see my table manners, I'd be ok with it.

Me:  And get this.  Not only does she use her former, un-hyphenated name in the Belleville paper, she also has a different email address.  She went from making her readers mail in questions because she had no email, to two email address. 

MAtH:  And two names.

MAtH:  What are the email addresses in case I need advice.

Me:  Well the Hat email is just a g mail thing, but the Monday Etiquette is [email protected]

MAtH:  Etiquette plus hats lady. 

Me:  And back into our lives.

 

The 13 folds of the flag

The MAtH (man about the house) and I have been crazy busy the past couple of weeks and weren't able to give Dianne Isbell and her Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat any time.  Today, with a lot of time on our hands because of a strong thunderstorm, we had a look.

Me:  Dianne is just a bit ahead of Flag Day this morning.

MAtH:  Always relevant, that's our Dianne.

Me:  This is pretty interesting, though.  She only answers one question.

MAtH:  Hurray.

Me:  But it's on a topic I doubt many people know much about.

MAtH:  Try me.

A big to do over gifts and crumbs

The MAtH (man about the house) and I have been away from Dianne Isbell's Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat for a couple of weeks.  Things have been busy here!  But today.  We're back.

Me:  Remember Dianne?

MAtH: 

Me:  Come on, you love Dianne.

MAtH:  The first Monday without having to rush out early and I get Dianne.

Me:  We've neglected her.

MAtH:  "I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing,
therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow human
being let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not
pass this way again."

Me:  What?

MAtH:  We had to memorize in school.   But, I don't regret the neglect.

Me:  This makes no sense.  Here's her first question.  Long.

Should I have said something then?

Ok, here we go after a two week absence, the MAtH (man about the house) and I are reading Dianne Isbell's Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat.

Me:  Do you want to hear what Dianne is talking about today?

MAtH:  Honestly? 

Me:  Sure.

MAtH:  Well, then, not really.  But I know you're going to tell me anyway.

Me:  Right.  She has a long, long answer to someone who wants to know how to make hospital visitors not stay so long.

MAtH:  That's sounds like Dianne.

Reining him in

I sat down at the computer this morning intending to go over Dianne Isbell's Monday Etiquette column, but remembered we had to return the rental car I drove to Kansas last week.  I was going to the Enterprise Rent a Car place on Manchester and Bellevue and Dale was going to come along a few minutes later and take me back home.  Easy. 

Not so fast.  While I was standing at the check in counter I happened to turn around and look out the window when I saw Dale driving back north on Bellevue.  I figured he passed the place and was going aound the block.  While I waited one of the guys got the car checked in and asked me how my experience with Enterprise had been.  I said it was fine.  He then asked me if I would say my experience had been "great".  I said, "Great"?  "It was fine, it was a long drive to Emporia, so if that means it was "great" then it was great."  He said, "I'll put down great."  Alright.  Must be a competition between local offices going on.

Meanwhile, no Dale.  I called him on his cell phone, it went right to voice mail so I knew he didn't have it with him.  One of the Enterprise guys asked if I needed a ride home and I said, "My husband is picking me up, saw him at the corner a few minutes ago, he must have gotten lost."   The Enterprise guys and I chatted about 'what did we ever do without cell phones', the crazy people spending the night in sleeping bags outside Busch Stadium, and of course, "where could Dale be?"  I told the guys, "Surely he wouldn't have gone home to get his phone and then call me, surely he'd just go around the block."  They said, "Not guys, that's not what we do." 

Sure enough, my phone rang and it was Dale, back at the house, wondering if he had it wrong and Enterprise didn't open until 8 because no one was around the car lot.  I told him I'd seen him driving by the place and he probably was looking at the used car lot across the way.  Ok, he'll be there shortly.  Dale always says he'll be somewhere "shortly."   After a short debate with myself I decided to go stand next to the stoplight on the corner where he'd have to stop.  Finally.  There he was.

Then it was time to deal with the other man about the house, the Ferd dog, who had a vet appointment in Collinsville.  Ferdie does not like to get into the car which meant I had to get in the back seat first and then he climbed in.  I then had to climb over him to get out and shut the door.  We're driving along in a furious down pour of snow.  Snow?  He had his big head out the back window as I could see from the rear view mirror.  Then I saw his first paw go out the window and then the second.  The window only goes down halfway and Ferd's big, but you never know.  The first stop sign I came to I yanked him back and close the window. 

We finally got to Northgate Animal Hospital.  When I got out of the car and opened the back door I had to look twice.  All he had left of his leash was 6 inches of material hanging from his collar.  He'd chewed the rest completely off.  Have you ever had to get a dog into the vet's office while holding on to only 6 inches?  A vet's office with a full house of other dogs in the waiting area?  Let's just say it is not easy and the entire process made me look like a totally incompetent pet owner.  Twirling this way and that. 

When it was our turn, the Dr's assistant and I got him weighed (90 pounds!) and after I explained about the leash, he went and got a thin, plastic lead which looped around the dogs head.  Ha.  Gag him maybe, but hold him, never.  Ferdie had a blood test which showed he still has some anemia, something about either not producing enough red blood cells or producing them, but losing them.  We'll know why on Wednesday.  I did ask how he could have gained 7 pounds in one month as active as he is.  The Doctor said, "Well, he's young and is starting to gain muscle."  Starting?  Oh gee.

So off we go.  Back into the car.  Ha.  More crawling in the back seat and out again.  On the way home I decided we were going to Pet's Mart for a new leash.  No way he'd ever be contained with that lead made for a ten pound dog.  Ferdie loves Pet's Mart.  He's a shopper.  Up one aisle and down the other with me holding onto that poor excuse for a lead.  At one point he shoved his big head into a rack of flimsy, but neon colored, collars made for ten pound poodles.  When he pulled his head back out, 25 collars flew all over the floor.  Ever try to hook things back on a display rack one at a time while a 90 pound dog with a thin lead wanted to go somewhere else?  Not a pretty sight.  Just one more stop today where people looked at me as though I shouldn't be allowed to own a pet.

The woman at the check out line asked if she could pet him.  Sure!  Could she give him a treat?  Absolutely.  This dog can charm when he wants to.  But, hopefully no one from the store was watching me try and get him in the car.  This time he wouldn't fall for the "you first" drama.  He stopped six feet from the car and held his ground.  He would not move to the car.  The vet's temporary lead was useless, he would not be moved and I was afraid the lead would break.  Ferdie has a long body so I can't pick him up.  90 pounds!  What I did was, I first put my arms around his front end and slid him forward until he was close to the open car door.  Then I ran around to his back side and hooked by arms around his stomach and lifted.  Dead weight.  When I got his front paws up to the seat, I grabbed his hindquarters and lifted til he rolled into the car.

Sorry Dianne Isbell, your questions on 'children at weddings', 'stamps on wedding rsvp cards', and handwritten or 'printed wedding invitation addresses' are more than I can deal with today.  Her answers are 1.  incomprehensible, 2. yes, 3.  hand written, printed is tacky.

Sure and Begorrah, it's an Irish blessing

The MAtH (man about the house) and I are seeing green in Dianne Isbell's Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat today.

Me:  Do you think Dianne is Irish?

MAtH:  I've never thought about it at all.  Why?

Me:  She is giving someone advice on Irish Blessings today.

MAtH:  "As you slide down the banisters of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way."

Me:  Huh?

He didn't listen plus input from cocktail wait staff

The MAtH (man about the house) and I see that Dianne Isbell kept her promise to update everyone on what cocktail wait staff think in her Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat today.

Me:  Dianne has a couple of issues you might find interesting today.

MAtH:  Really? 

Me:  Really.

MAtH:  Somehow I know I'm going to hear it in any case.

Me:  You'll like it.  Here's the first question.

P-L-E-A-S-E don't be R-U-D-E

The MAtH (man about the house) and I find Dianne Isbell's 'tweeting' today in her Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat stretching her tech credibility.

Me:  Dianne has a hot one today.

MAtH:  Purse hooks?

Me:  Well...That may figure in, but the first question she gets, if she didn't make this one up herself, is a doozy.

MAtH:  I know I'm going to hear it, so let's get it over with.

Speaking to the wait staff

The MAtH (man about the house) notice that Dianne Isbell has turned from doing etiquette classes for "young ladies" to speaking to a group of "very professional wait staff" for her Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat.

Me:  Dianne spoke to a group of waiters.

MAtH:  Her iced tea on the wrong side of the plate?

Me:  No, she got together with some professional wait staff to ask them to share some of the improprieties, if any, they experienced over the years from the diners they were serving.

MAtH:  Improprieties?  What does that mean?  What irritates them about the people they serve?

Me:  Yes.

MAtH:  Could they think of anything?

Me:  Oh, yeah. 

Dear Mr. President-Respectfully yours

The MAtH (man about the house) and I see that Dianne Isbell has jumped into the Obama-rama in her Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat today.

Me:  It's Presidents Day

MAtH:  Is the flag out?

Me:  Yes it is, but Dianne is giving a lesson in how to respectfully meet and greet and converse with the president.

MAtH:  Is this news we can use?  I mean, how many of us will be having a conversation with the president?

Me:  I guess it's a matter of "just in case" the impossible happens.

MAtH:  Let's hear what she has to say, I have to be in D.C. in the coming weeks, who knows who I'll meet.