The MAtH (man about the house) and I are a day late with Dianne Isbell's Monday Etiquette column in the Belleville News-Democrat, but, hey, it's about Halloween and Halloween isn't until tomorrow.
Me: Dianne is always on top of things, very relevant.
MAtH: Why do you always have to exaggerate things?
Me: No, seriously, she has a whole column devoted to Halloween etiquette.
MAtH: Halloween? Isn't that the one day when good sense and good taste goes right out the window?
Me: Not in Dianne world, she takes on the trick or treaters this week.
MAtH: I bet an unhappy person wrote her about unruly kids, right?
Me: Question: "My husband and I have almost decided not to turn on our porch light, or any other lights this Halloween because there were some impolite trick or treaters last year at our house. We may change our minds because there are some cute little ones in our block, but we thought it might help if you could put a few do's and don'ts in your column."
MAtH: That might help if trick or treater type kids read Dianne's column, but somehow I just can't see it.
Me: Maybe their parents?
MAtH: Grandparents more likely. And what does she mean not turn on any other lights? They plan to sit in the dark all evening pretending they aren't home?
Me: Like we do when the Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses are on the block?
MAtH: At least that is during the day.
Me: Anyway, here are some of Dianne's etiquette rules for Halloween.
MAtH: This sounds almost as scary as a Larry Craig mask.
Me: "When the door is answered, say, "Trick or Treat." "Then sing a little song"
MAtH: Bwa hahahahaha
Me: Hahahahaha. "Sing a little song"! Dianne's world, the land of Oz. Then, "Wear a costume."
MAtH: By all means, just not a Larry Craig mask, I don't feel like being scared to death when I go to the door.
Me: "Be careful of all other trick or treaters. Do not run wildly and literally run over smaller children."
Me: "Do not tamper with the Halloween decorations homeowners have on display in their yards, in trees, in bushes or on their porches."
MAtH: Good grief, what kind of neighborhood does Dianne live in?
Me: "Do not turn up your nose when you are given a treat that is not your favorite."
MAtH: Like a package of earth friendly granola.
Me: Or fruit...usually apples.
MAtH: Or, mini tubes of toothpaste.
Me: Hahahahaha...so true.
MAtH: "Do not take treats from other trick or treaters."
Me: So you think any kid who would do something like that is reading Dianne?
MAtH: A kid who would do something like that will be wearing a Larry Craig mask.